Children React to Separation and Divorce in Various Ways

Children may experience several normal reactions to separation and divorce. Generally, these reactions appear during the period of separation and during the year or so of initial adaptation to the divorce. Some reactions may persist longer. Catholic Charities' trained and accredited counselors are ready to help anyone in need at a cost you can afford.

Children's common reactions to separation and divorce are:

Anger

• Anger at both parents, at self and at siblings (anger may be hidden or expressed through words or behaviors)
• Increased sibling squabbles

Denial

• Pretending the divorce did not occur or acting as if unaffected by it
• Trying to reunite parents

Guilt/Self Blame

• Wishful thinking and many "if only's"
• Asking questions over and over, seeking reassurance and relief
• Blaming self in overt and/or hidden ways
• Unconsciously seeking punishment

Fear

• Worry about their own or other's safety and security
• Expression of fears about their own welfare and future caregiving;
• Clinging, seeking contact and reassurance

Health/Sleep Changes

• Minor health complaints
• Appetite changes
• Sleep changes, bad dreams, fear of sleeping alone

Insecurity

• Clinging
• Refusing to go to school
• Increased possessiveness of people, pets and possessions
• Testing and seeking limits, especially when switching from one parent's home to the other's
• Seeking substitute figures

Protection of Parents

• Acting like little adults
• Hiding their grief so they can comfort and nurture the parent

Regression

• Returning to earlier level of functioning (seeking out security blanket, bedwetting); usually turns around quickly with reassurance and the absence of criticism and judgment

Sadness

• Saddened constantly or at intervals
• Crying
• Tired or hyperactive, withdrawn

How To Respond

Here are some tips on how to respond and how not to respond to a child’s normal reactions to separation and divorce:

Do

• Remember that kids need to love BOTH parents
• Encourage and clearly answer questions about the divorce
• Be patient with the kids
• Tell the truth about the divorce so far as your are able
• Allow for expression of feelings by your children
• Offer comfort warmth and support
• Reassure the children that the divorce is an adult problem (that they did not cause the divorce)
• Reassure the kids that you will always be their parent
• Take care of yourself and your own well-being
• Preserve the normal household routines and keep changes to a minimum
• Try to build similar rules and routines in both homes
• Use family, support groups and professionals for help
• Learn about the normal responses of children to divorce
• Set up a place for children's belongings during visitation
• Make significant adults (teachers, counselors, doctors, babysitters) in children's lives aware of the divorce

Don't

• Send messages to your ex through the kids
• Ask children to keep secrets from your ex-spouse
• Use the kids as pawns in power struggles with your ex-spouse
• Belittle and criticize the other parent in front of the kids
• Tell the children what to think or feel
• Ask the children to take sides or pump them for information about your ex-spouse
• Use the children as confidants or substitutes for your spouse and friends
• Compare your feelings to those that your children have
• Block your children's wish to talk and ask questions about the divorce and the changes it brings
• Put the children in the middle of any conflicts with your ex-spouse

Warning Signs

These signs in children may indicate a need for increased parental support or professional intervention, especially if they appear after the divorce process is settled and the new routines are under way:

• An exaggeration in the normal responses
• Verbalizing despair
• Giving away possessions
• Withdrawing to the point of isolation
• Significant weight loss or gain
  Extended change in sleeping and/or eating habits
• Frequent nightmares
• Preoccupation with illness of self and others
• School troubles
• Lying
• Destroying own or other's property
• Deliberately hurting or wounding themselves
• Significant change in personality over time
• Refusing to stay with formerly trusted adults
• Explosive behavior
• Stealing
• Running away from home
• Health complaints and health changes
• Becoming unusually rigid about everyday patterns
• Intense unrealistic fears

(Source: A pamphlet prepared by the American Mental Health Counselors Association Committee on Childhood and Adolescence)

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We're Ready To Help

Our trained and accredited counselors look forward to helping your family deal with issues related to separation and divorce. Our five full-time offices, in Green Bay, the Fox Cities, Oshkosh, Marinette and Oshkosh, and three outreach offices, in Sturgeon Bay, Waupaca and Wautoma, mean help is available in all areas of Northeast Wisconsin. Most counseling offices are open weekdays and evenings by appointment.

For a list of our conveniently located offices to set up an appointment

For additional information contact Catholic Charities at:

The Green Bay Diocese
(920) 272-8234
Toll-free: 1-877-500-3580 ext. 8234

E-mail

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Who We Serve

Catholic Charities extends a helping hand to those in need, no matter what his or her religious background, race or nationality, or ability to pay.

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Licensed, Certified and Accredited

Catholic Charities is nationally accredited by the Council of Services for Family and Children, is a state certified mental health clinic, and is licensed by the State of Wisconsin as a child welfare agency.

Counseling and Child Welfare are accredited by the Council of Accreditation (COA). Accreditation from the Council on Accreditation for Family and Children’s Agencies ensures that Catholic Charities operates under the highest professional standards and best practices in the nation.

What is COA? COA accredits organizations delivering child and family, behavioral healthcare, consumer credit counseling, and/or community support and education services. The accreditation process includes self-study and onsite reviews. Through accreditation, Catholic Charities is recognized for providing quality services that comply with nationally recognized best practice standards.

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Costs and Payment Option

Costs of Catholic Charities services are supported by the Bishop's Appeal, governmental contracts, United Way contributions, grants, bequests, donations and fees. Any service fees charged to clients are based on ability to pay; some services are covered by insurance.

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